Saturday, 1 August 2015

Making the grade (or not!)

"Parenthood is a perpetual compromise between neglect and pushing.The last thing you want to do with anything that matters to you-art, books, wildlife-is to ram it down their throats."

My Natural History by Simon Barnes

I'm forever coming across parents (and teachers for that matter) who are convinced that without good GCSE's their children are doomed to a life of drudgery and low pay.The government perpetuates the myth and I cringe when time and time again I come across children who are re doing  their A levels because they failed them first time round and couldn't get a place at university.

I remember my son asking me if he would have to go back to school to redo his GCSE's if he didn't do very well.The answer was no.It turned out that was the right decision.Without parental pressure to suceed, he set himself his own goals and achieved the grades he needed to climb the next step on the ladder towards his goal.That's how we work in our house.You set yourself an immediate goal and then find out what you need to get there, we have found that intrinsic motivation is what matters, not extrinsic influences.

If you become bogged down with what you think your child should be doing, you set up problems for yourself later on.How many people have followed their father's footsteps into the family firm only to discover that they hate it.It was never their goal you see, but their parents.
In his book  "My Natural History " Simon Barnes describes his mother's expectations of him:

"Education and subsequent high achievement was never my goal.Rather it was my duty...So I  not only had to follow that tradition, I also had to make good the wrongs of the past."

It is interesting that, later on in the book he explains how he himself home educated his own son.Perhaps out of realisation that education isn't about grades or degrees, it's about wanting to learn about things as and when they are relevant to you.

Just as we have to grieve when we have a disabled child (and Simon describes this too in a chapter about his Downe syndrome son Eddie),, so too we need to give up our expectation for our children to let them live and grow as independent human beings . They are not 'mini mes", they are individual human beings with their own minds and interests.

We will only learn if our instincts are correct when we look back on our children and hopefully find well rounded and balanced individuals.For now, number one son, loves his job and is doing well, my daughter has her goal and is working step by step to becoming a dancer and Google has yet to identify what he will do to bring inan income but I am confident that that will come

So next time you worry about your child and their grades, stop and look at their life skills.Are they confident, happy and mature, if so they will be fine.If not, build on their life skills, it is those, not grades that will get them where they want to be.Grades are just a by product of that.

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