Life doesn't come with a Road map

I've become aware recently how my parenting style has changed over the years. Much of the change has been due to that fact that I realized that normal parenting styles didn't work for my Autistic son- the more I tried to get him to do something the more he wouldn't do it.It wasn't just 'stubborn'.it was more than that. I would describe it as 'entrenched'. As a teacher once said to me 'it's as if he boxes himself into a corner and can't get out'

If all my children were like that I'd have realized that I was doing something wrong- but they're not.They are pliable and can be persuaded to help out round the house or do things I need them to do. With my Autistic son the tactics I use to encourage his siblings didn't work so I had to look for other solutions.

 For anyone who doesn't know me (or who doesn't believe there is anything wrong with my son) there have been comments about letting him get away with things , I was once told by a gentleman in a supermarket that 'even Autistic children can be MADE to behave'.

 At times I have cried at the judgement of others on my parenting skills. NOW I know that ,rather than controlling my son , I have to let him take the lead.It's worked too- he is far less explosive and angry when he is allowed to show us what he feels comfortable with.

This style of parenting has affected how I handle my other two children too. I used to try and 'control' them, now I hope I am more intuative towards their needs, So many parents (albeit unwittingly) are manipulating the direction in which they want their child to go. I have witnessed parents arranging 'play dates' for their children (if you can call them play dates for 12 year olds) Many I have noticed are single children or children who don't socialize well There's nothing wrong with making arrangements for your children to get together as long as it's a result of the express wish of the children. Sadly all to often it's the parents who 'want' their children to have friends and worry about lonliness. I believe that children have to make their own friends they can't be coerced into it however subtley and you should only help them if they want you to.

My eldest son and my daughter are sociable creatures and we rarely plan anything in advance although have a steady flow of telephone calls and texts arranging for them to meet with friends or go camping . This morning my daughter has set off with her friend to her friend's farm where she is going to work all day then come home and camp in the garden. My eldest meanwhile has arranged to play football on our local astro turf. I haven't arranged anything I'm just the chauffeur and 'facilitate' their plans.

My Autistic son however doesn't socialize a great deal - he doesn't enjoy small talk although he is prepared to talk for hours about the latest PC or Xbox game. He doesn't lack friends although, apart from two the rest are online and he is building up a relationship with them. I'm in no doubt that one day he will ask to visit one of them.We have already had a visit from a friend in Bedford who he has known online for over two years now!

It's the same with exams and school. I have encouraged my son, who is due to go to college next year ,to study subjects he enjoys. So far it has paid dividends as he has done well in his non compulsory (read non academic subjects). He is motivated and knows what he wants to do and that is the key. So many 16 year olds aren't ready to make that decision but are being 'encouraged' to take certain subjects to 'ensure they get a good (for that read 'well paid') job.

 Several children have gone back to school to do retakes. My son has asked that if he doesn't do well that he isn't sent back.I wouldn't dream of it - he needs to want to do it for himself not because I want him to.He can always retake a subject later if he wants too and it's relevant to what he wants to do.
It would take away so much stress for parents and pupils if they accepted that different people mature at different times. There is no rule that says you have to go to University at 18 (or indeed that you have to go at all).In fact my son wants to do motor vehicle maintenance at our local college and his grandfather told him that in his local garage the owner's son has just returned from university. Despite studying motor engineering he is now having to do the same course as my son to get the necessary practical experience.
If we let our children take the lead and try not to control them with our wishes and aspirations then our lives will be a lot less stressful. In fact I read yesterday that my new style of parenting is called 'peaceful parenting'. A few years ago I would have judged this style as being too lenient and letting the children get away with things but so far they are proving themselves to be mature and responsible individuals with a respect and tolerance for others and as long as it stays that way I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!

Learning the Ropes!

 As I continued with my practise walks today for the Coniston2Barrow Walk in aid of our local branch of the National Autistic society I decided not to go too far afield.My autistic son hadn't slept at all during the night so decided at about 11.00am it was time to get some kip and my daughter and eldest son wanted to chill out at home so I decided to walk along the canal at Ulverston. It's supposed to be the deepest widest and straightest canal in the UK and unusually didn't form part of a canal network but went from Morcambe bay to the foot of Hoad hill bringing ships to the small port.

 I started along The Rope Walk, a pedestrian footway along which ropes used to be made for ships rigging. A notice board explained how the rope was twisted to make it strong.

 At the end of The Rope Walk I noticed a Victorian post box so stopped to take a photo to show my son. Although he rarely comes with me on my walks nowadays I have adapted my teaching style to discuss the things I learn as I go about my travels . That's the thing about home educating an autistic son, you have to continually adapt your 'style' to suit the current 'challenges'.

 From The Rope Walk I then walked on to Canal Foot and sat and ate my sandwiches in the sunshine looking out over Morecambe bay. The sea was out today but you could clearly see the railway viaduct to Silverdale and Chapel island,

Back along the canal tow path I stopped to watch the various species of water fowl and took some photos of some magnificent swans,

As I approached  the end of the canal at Canal Head I noticed that the flag was flying on Hoad Monument , signifying it was open today. It's a long time since I climbed the monument so I'll have to make an effort another day as the views over Ulverston, the birth place of Stan Laurel are magnificent!

Vikings in Furness!

Unlike her Autistic twin brother. my daughter is extremely sociable and always wanting to be doing something particularly when there are people.Today she asked if we could go to our local museum- it's not large but it's free to go in and I find that no matter how often we go we always learn something. There was a new small exhibitions about the Vikings following the discovery of The Furness Hoard - a collection of Viking coins on the Furness peninsula in 2011. We learned that the name of our village Kirkby is Viking for Church land, no doubt as a result of the monks at Furness abbey owning the land around our village.
I also discovered that if we travel up the west coast to Irton or Gosforth we can see some Viking crosses. Naturally my daughter decided to dress up....

There were also models of a viking man and woman,

And the charred remains of a human skull which it is thought was cremated but didn't burn because the temperature wasn't high enough.

Our local museum is contained in a dry dock in Barrow in Furness which is famous for ship building and more recently for building the nuclear submarine The Astute.This is what the bottom of the museum looks like. Presumably they used to let the water in here when they were ready to float the boats.

One of the things I was particularly interested to find out about was the Japanese Warship The Mikasa. I've mentioned my son's interest in Military History before. He has a huge encyclopedia by Dorling Kindersley on Military History and discovered that the Mikasa was built at Barrow in Furness- in fact until then I didn't understand the significance of Mikasa street in Barrow. My father tells me that he was given a small model of the boat when he was young which had been built in the model shop in Vickers (now BAE systems). Today however I managed to buy a postcard of it's launch in 1900 for my son and learn that it is now docked in Tokyo! Obviously my daughter just had to try a sailors cap but what the goggles were for goodness knows!

We also learned about the local iron ore industry  and saw a piece of hematite or pig iron! There are a series of local films too. This time we chose to watch one of the Furness peninsula from the air and learned that there is evidence in the village down the road of the Medieval strip field system.
Just a few more pieces of our history jigsaw!

Outside Inspiration!

I've just finished reading Hana's Suitcase.As I closed the book I realised the bath water had gone cold and my skin was decidedly crinkled. I'd obviously been there far longer than intended!
It's about the search by the curator of a Holocaust museum in Tokyo  for the owner of a small brown suitcase.A sort of Ann Frank and a true story which was both moving and thought provoking, an ideal book for anyone 10 and above (including adults) to learn a little more about the persecution of the Jews in World War 2 without being too graphic

I love the way my son and I learn history- it sort of 'falls together as and when we find a new book , film or piece of literature or go somewhere which links the period together without us having to learn dates or chronology- that happens incidentally.

Whilst I was reading Hana's Suitcase my son was reading about Warcraft in an Usborne book I'd found in a charity shop today. As with many Autistic children he has a 'special interest'- history, Military history in particular. When he started home educating at the age of 8 I realised it wasn't long before he had covered the GCSE syllabus! Another of his interests is geography - he can tell you where most places are in the world if you hand him an atlas!They refer to this as a 'spiky profile' - my son excels as some subjects but struggles with others- his pet hate is maths. 

Apart from scouring the charity shops for books and home education resources today, my daughter and I visited our local community garden where we found these lovely scarecrows

and a silver tree with leaves made out of foil! Definitely something to brighten up a bare tree in winter and something we might try next year.

There was a woodland walk as well and we caught this little chap on camera.

and walked under the willow arch!

Lots of lovely inspirational ideas for us to try at home. I bought a pot of home grown borage too so am going in the garden now to plant it!

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In at the Deep End.

My daughter spent the evening scuba diving. Albeit at the local baths but she is practising for a 'real' dive later in the year. She was really excited and announced that given another chance she would jump at the opportunity to do it again.
I don't know where she gets her nerve from, certainly not me . I was always the child who tiptoed round the ice rink so as not to fall over whilst my daughter will launch herself straight into the middle. It's probably why she ended up in Scouts amongst the boys rather than guides where she found the activities too tame.

Her big brother spent the day at school.It's the middle of the school holidays but he's preparing for his GCSE's and wanted to finish his D.T project as they haven't had enough time at school.Fortunately, as a home educating family we have often discussed the importance of self motivation and my son was up and ready to go at 8.00am. He'd worked out that if he started early he would finish early and he was right. He was able to spend the afternoon socialising with his friends .

Living in a remote rural area public transport isn't great but we have discovered a students' pass which allows the children to travel anywhere round Cumbria for £1. Their passes are well used and have enabled my neuro-typical children to travel to home from school after after school clubs without relying heavily on me- a god send particularly when their Autistic brother felt unable to leave the house making it virtually impossible to collect them.Having an autistic member in the family certainly encourages independence!

The brighter weather has definitely made a difference to my son who took the dogs for a short walk with his brother yesterday. At twelve he likes to be supported when he goes out and I've noticed he is much more likely to try new activities if his brother and sister are there but never the less there has been an improvement. About a year ago he wouldn't set foot out the house- he was too frightened in case a jet flew over our house (low flying jets occasionally fly over the estuary and can be very noisy when they come). He wouldn't even let me go out and leave him whilst I walked the dogs. He has moved on however and whilst he doesn't often choose to come out with me,he will now happily stay at home for a couple of hours with a mobile phone on which I can contact him ( he doesn't answer the house phone when I'm out - actually come to think of it- never, unless I ask him to.) I've learned something else too from another parent whose son is further down the line from me- what I thought was agoraphobia ISN'T. If my son wants to go somewhere such as K.F.C or to pay money into the bank in order to buy a pc game on-line then he will willingly put on his shoes and coat and climb into the car without so much as a moan. If on the other hand we need to go to the dentist or on a day trip (which in my son's mind has no purpose) Then no amount of cajoling by me will persuade him to go out the house. I have learned not to feel a failure that his dad can successfully get him to do these things whilst I can't- it's a common feature amongst oppositional pre- teens.Instead I use his father's ability to get my son to go to the denstist, have a bath, do his teeth- in fact all the things that most people would regard as everyday normal routines but that parents of Autistic children know only too well can be a nightmare!

World Autism Awareness Day 2013

Today is World Autism Awareness day. Word is spreading but there is still a long way to go. A huge lack of understanding and training of professionals within the education system , the NHS and the general public means that many children are misunderstood  and stigmatised.

This year for the first time I have been aware of a huge push to educate people about Autism.Celebrity Melanie Sykes who herself has a son with Autism appeared on the Lorraine show  this morning to talk about her son . Our local radio station Radio Cumbria interviewed Amanda Bland a local NAS representative and Jemma Swales who runs her own business working with and supporting Autistic children and The North West Evening mail published an article about local buildings, including the Town Hall, lighting up in blue to celebrate World Autism Awareness Day.

Locally the Furness branch of our N.A.S organised a balloon release and picnic in our local park. Typically my son was too sleepy to attend, having been awake until 4.00am . Other children refused to leave the house - the ordeal was too overwhelming.But for those that did there were free rides on a mini steam train , cupcakes and helium balloons with their names on them to spread the word that it's OK to be Autistic.Every child is different and if you spend time getting to know them then you may well get a pleasant surprise!

 The day was a huge success and an opportunity to bring parents and carers together.It's only by combining forces that conditions will change. We are told that early intervention provides the best possible outcomes for our children. Until early diagnosis and help is available we won't stop our campaign !

Following in footsteps of Monks!

Having a child with Autism combined with Home education opens up new opportunities.Tomorrow is Autism Awareness day and we are taking part in a balloon release to celebrate. In a way Autism takes over our lives but then perhaps it is because it IS part of our lives .In many ways we are the richer because of it.

My daughter and I are taking part in a 23 mile sponsored walk for the National Autistic society on 11th May. We have seen some beautiful sights as we have travelled round the Furness peninsula. Today we walked in the footsteps of the Cistercian Monks along the Cistercian Way Dalton in Furness,, the former Capital of Furness ,with its castle and church to Furness Priory and on to a little bridge called Bow Bridge over which the monks used to travel.to access one of the Abbeys water mills.

During our training we walk and talk and we learn so much. Today we were only walking a short section of the 33 mile walk which starts at Grange over sands through Cartmel to Ulverston, Dalton then Barrow.

On a beautiful day like today it was easy to imagine  the monks sitting on the river bank fishing  for their tea or walking over the medieval bridge to the watermill! Even though Barrow has become industrialised over the years the walk through the valley from the foot of St Mary's church in Dalton to Furness abbey was idyllic.

I often wish that I could share times like this with my Autistic son but for now that's not an option.He gets too anxious and the risks of it being too busy particularly on a busy bank holiday Monday are too great. He prefers to stay at home! I have learned to respect that and not 'push'. If I listen to how he is feeling he is much more likely to go out when we really need to besides he was recovering from his socialisation from yesterday - it takes some doing.

For now I'm enjoying my time with my daughter.Children grow up so fast and I want her to look back on the childhood she had with fondness, despite the difficulties she faced through having a disabled brother - and  a twin at that! Despite sometimes feeling guilty that she has had to take a back seat as they have been growing up, she is growing up into a mature young woman with a great deal of empathy and I'm so proud of her.