Just leave them be!

Now I haven't posted about Google in a bit, that usually means that things are going along smoothly ,it certainly doesn't mean his autism is cured.

That message was brought forcefully home the other day when I read a blog post written by a usually humorous and  lighted hearted father of an autistic boy . He is currently going through one of those 'dips' that we all come across with our children every now and again.

I've being dealing with autism long enough now to know that you get through them but I also know how draining it can be for all those involved at the deepest point.

We are at the stage with Google where we have learned to leave him to his own devices most of the time. He is happiest that way.Every so often he will come downstairs to sit with the family to watch television or to eat tea but generally he is at his happiest sat upstairs in his bedroom playing on the Xbox or the computer or reading books.

It wouldn't be my choice for him.I would much rather he spent his days camping or playing sport like his siblings but that's just not what he wants to do.

The other day we decided that we would take the train up the west coast of Cumbria to Carlisle. On a sunny day it's a beautiful ,if somewhat lengthy journey up the coast following the coast line of the North Sea through Ravensglass (famed for its miniature railway) the georgian town of Whitehaven and St Bees

Google was invited to come with us and , after weighing up the alternatives, decided he would come. With one hour to spare he changed his mind. Part of me was relieved as I had visions of him refusing to get on the train when it arrived on the platform, leaving my daughter and myself stranded ,unable to go. Another part of me was sad that he couldn't handle the change and challenge of the unknown.
If his dad had been with us he could have handled it but he doesn't feel secure unless we are all there and that wasn't possible.

It was interesting what I noticed as we travelled north. The train had incredibly squeaky brakes as we came into stations. In fact the noise hurt our ears, the passengers wore really strong perfume which made my daughter and I cough and sneeze as we suffer from asthma,and when we arrived in Carlisle the shops were busy and crowded and it was windy.All these things would have made the day out unbearable for my son and we would have had to deal with the consequences.

Home education has lessened all the sensory issues which he would have had to deal with from day to day but they are still there. Fortunately we can introduce Google to them gradually rather than force them on him before he is ready. Hopefully that will make his life easier and lessen the likelihood of depression or mental illness which so many of our Autistic children face. I hope so.

Flexibility and the link to Stress with our Aspergers Children

Yesterday we went to KFC for my son.Whilst it goes against all my ideas of healthy eating it got my son out the house and that is just as important for his well being as when we venture out we find new things to discuss and learn about.

My son sat in the car with his set of history books which I bought a few weeks ago. When I first gave them to him he gave them a cursory glance and turned back to his computer but I have learned to just STREW and watch what happens. For the second time this week he asked where they were, tucked them under his arm and got into the car. He spent the whole journey, there and back, just reading.

It took us a while but my son has learned that reading is a strategy he can use to 'block out the world' when it becomes too much for him. It's a socially acceptable way of 'not speaking to people' and it suits me too because I know he's learning.

As he walked to the car I thought he'd forgotten his ear defenders but no,they were safely tucked around his neck in case he needed them ( which as it happened, he didn't)

Whilst he sat eating his lunch I suggested that I would pop over to the pound shop to buy his sister some sweets as she was going to the cinema with a friend that evening. "Would you mind if I left you a minute ." I asked.

His face crumpled slightly and his lip began to wobble, "OR we can both go together when you've finished your lunch?" I suggested.

"I'd prefer that" he said.

So that's what we did and we managed to go into the cinema to book tickets and pick up a catalogue too.

Now whilst that may not seem like much to parents of neuro typical children we have come a long way since the days of being physically unable to get out the car, never mind go to the cinema. I've learned to follow my son's lead and instead of having a list of places I had to go (which granted was bigger when he was too young to leave at home) I choose two or three and go in the exact same order as my list. It used to take a bit of discipline on my part as I'm easily distracted and very sociable but this is far preferable than sitting in car parks trying to coax your son into the car or trying to stop him opening the car door in mid journey and throwing himself out.

I can smile about it now but it wasn't funny at the time I can tell you!

If we remove the stress from our children then they are more willing and able to comply and will in
fact do far more things that you want them to do rather than continually oppose you and fight.

The key is to remember is that they are not deliberately being naughty, they are anxious and scared and if you watch and listen to them you'll be surprised what they will teach you.

A Day out!

We' re very lucky to have a Wild life Park within 10 minutes of our house, which each year during the quiet season opens up its gates for free, or a minimal donation.

Every year we have dropped in for an hour or so to observe the animals and learn about their habitat and eating habits and we've found that by concentrating on only one or two each time and then just 'enjoying' the others for the sake of it, we have gradually built up a little bit of knowledge each time.

Yesterday ,after an abortive attempt the previous day, my son who has Aspergers and who suffers severe anxiety when venturing out, decided today was the day.

The weather was glorious and that meant that despite it being a school day there were lots of visitors with young children or holiday makers so I wasn't sure if it would work.  I have learned to play it by ear.

What I am learning however is that if my son wants to do something then he can overcome all his sensory difficulties and this was one of those days.

The zoo is being expanded and the new additions were the Artic wolves and Snow leopards.The wolves looked majestic as they stood together against the sky line!

Highlight of the day was, I think the white handed Gibbons, which 'whooped' (that's the only way I could describe their cry) to one another as they swung on ropes and balanced on them as though they were sitting on planks a foot wide! We stood and watched the spectacle for a good ten minutes!

The colouring of some of the  birds feathers is dazzling and here are just two of the photos we took between us. The lovely thing about home education is that it is constantly cross curricular so as well as learning biology and geography we were doing art too!

The Gophers with their funny stance came up quite close to inspect us.

and the Capybara (this one reminded me of Arthur), when they weren't fast asleep in the sun, had four large toes!

We learned that giraffes have seven bones in their necks (and each has different patterns) and that there is only one species (but seven sub species)

We also saw this Stork which often sits on a lamp post on the by pass next to the zoo!

We had a really lovely day and once again I was reminded how home education has helped my son so much in his development ,it has given him space and time to develop his own coping strategies and I'm thankful for that. They can't be learned in 'social skills lessons' they have to be applied to real life and I have the time and motivation to give him that. We are truly blessed!

Fun in the Sun!

We've just enjoyed a very satisfying and fulfilling weekend.I'm gradually learning to appreciate that shopping sprees with their short term satisfaction are not for me. The feeling of exhilaration when you climb a mountain or spend some time with a friend and a coffee are far more my thing.

My son's explorer scout group are involved in our local Incredible edible scheme.The idea is to plant fruit and vegetables in waste spaces round the town making them attractive places to be. The scout garden started life as a dingy corner between a car park and factory shop, full of brambles and trees.Over the last few weeks they have hoiked trees from the ground, dug up weeds, built staging and paths and yesterday they had started to plant.Black currant bushes, beans, nasturtiums,leeks ( which I've now learned you plant without infilling with soil afterwards.

My friend and I and our two girls offered to lend a hand, filling troughs with flowers, building wigwams and digging over ground. What sights we must have looked when we walked into our local supermarket later for a coffee!

My eldest son then dashed off to join his friends for a well earned swim at Fell Foot! One again I count my blessings that we have all this on our door step. My daughter and her friend took part in a family fun day at Kepplewray,doing archery and ghyll scrambling in the Yew dale valley, whilst I joined my friends on a seven mile sponsored walk in the evening to raise money for our local Hospice. It was a lovely balmy evening and lovely to chatter as we walked with a friend's dog George.

My autistic son is still unable to join us but he did come out in the sunshine to join us in two family barbeques. It's nice to see that he feels comfortable in the family unit.We just have to work at expanding that now as he missed fish and chips the other day because he couldn't face going out, despite having put his shoes on ready to go.Anxiety is such a crippling  affliction. But as always with Autism we go with the flow and it works for us!

Going on holiday when your Child has Aspergers

It's getting harder as my son gets older, to go on holiday.Last time we went it was last minute and he told us to give him two weeks notice next time. This time he had known about it for two or three months.We still had a difficult couple of weeks in the run up to going away. He wouldn't eat, he wouldn't talk and he wouldn't sleep.

Much of it is anxiety about the unknown.We have been to this particular resort before which helped but there are still the unknown to be dealt with such as airport security ( which entails taking off ear defenders), flight delays and typical unexpected things that arise.

By the time we were ready to go he was actually quite excited as we were staying at a Premier Inn at Newcastle airport. He knows the set up at Premier Inns and had already investigated the menu and decided on his evening meal.

At the sign of us getting ready he sat in the car,travel pillow at the ready waiting to go!

He had a lovely evening with the biggest ever hamburger and chips and was relaxed and happy because his whole 'little' family was together.

We have the airport down to a fine art now.We only take hand luggage which cuts down on waiting time as we don't have to check in. We were through security in a jiffy and once our gate was called we were straight onto the plane.Another advantage of booking our airline direct as it's rare for them to be seriously delayed.

Flying is fine,my son enjoys the excitement of looking out the window and ordering snacks and drinks and the ipad is great for reading books we've downloaded.When we arrived in Majorca it was 8.00pm and we were straight off the plane to the hire car office and soon on our way.

The first night we stayed in an apartment. As it was late we went to a local restaurant and despite not having eaten all day our son couldn't decide what to eat.We find it best just not to order for him as it's a waste of money so we ordered pork escallopes,pork and chicken.Of course as soon as he saw the chicken he wanted some so twin sister generously shared hers and we all gave him some chips!
Next morning before setting off for our resort we sat on the beach.My son distanced himself from everyone but gradually he began to comment on the wild life as we saw two Mallorcan cormorants, ducking and diving in the sea.

As the week progressed we began to notice a relaxation.He didn't wear his ear defenders at all on holiday, he didn't mention the computer,he asked to go swimming several times and he didn't complain at any of his meals.He even walked through the Pine forests with us to Port Andrax.

He enjoyed the games room with his siblings and even joined us at two barbecues with people he'd never met and survived them! All in all he did incredibly well.

I'm sure the sunny weather helps his moods and the fact he has his whole family round for security, but if you ask him about the best bit of his holiday,he'll still tell you it was coming home!

One Day at a Time! (or Living in the Moment)

Yesterday I stopped in the meadow to study the daisies. I'd never realised before just how purply pink the tips of the petals are before they unfurl for the day. As I stood in the still and the sunshine I heard my first cuckoo. I haven't heard one in this valley before,my last one was up the Duddon valley.It made me  realise how important it is to just stop and absorb the moment sometimes and appreciate what we have around us.

I've spent some time in the garden over the last few days. Yesterday I planted two new clematis.I love them at this time of year.The rhododendrons are spectacular too. Whilst my rhododendron and azalea  collections are slowly growing and maturing,I wanted to add  clematis and rambling roses to the mix.

My salad leaves have flourished, I picked my first leaves yesterday for my sandwich, the free potatoes are growing in their sacks and there are signs of spring onions peeping through.My tomato plants (for the time being at least are thriving),my half price fuchsias and geranium are almost ready to be potted outside and the world is currently a  colourful and beautiful place outside.

Every year I promise myself that this year will be the one when I will really get down to it but really the wilderness of my garden is part of it's charm. the wild poppies, violets and forget-me- nots,the cowslips, bluebells and the primroses and of course the wild life that goes with it. The challenge will be to keep the balance.

The garden is a safe haven for my son too. He can trampoline, play with the dogs and make dens.I still have to watch the unfilled hole when he built a trench to Australia a couple of years ago.

I remind my self that no matter what his problems and disinclination to go out and socialise, he is lucky to have been brought up around hens and sheep, herons , buzzards and red kites.

I've been asked twice this week what my hopes and plans are for his future. My answer- I have none, we live in the moment and look at what he can deal with now. He has no need for GCSE's at the moment but he is looking at what he might do to make a living when he is older, computer programming, the stock market- things that interest him.

It's not a short sighted approach, it's a holistic approach. It's no use having a long term goal and feeling a failure at the first hurdle.My son has shown that he can do things if he wants them enough.His desire seems to override his anxiety,so we shall just have to take a day at a time and see where we end up!

(apologies for the lack of photos due to a technical hitch which hopefully will soon be remedied )

Transition at Sixteen - what's best if you're Autistic?

Autism hasn't featured very heavily in my blog recently because at the moment it isn't a major issue. It hasn't gone away, but as with many people with Aspergers it depends on my son's anxiety levels as to how his behaviour affects his moods and our family life and at the moment we are on a roll!

This week my husband has been speaking to a web designer about his new business. During his time at the website company he has met several employees, many of whom he has recognised are on the 'spectrum'. Whether they have a diagnosis or not is unknown,but when you live with someone with Autism it isn't hard to spot!

My husband explained my son's current interest in computer programming and now has an offer of help if my son runs into difficulties. Whilst his twin sister is choosing her GCSE options at the moment,we are looking for opportunities for our son to choose the life skills that will be important to him to live independently. He may struggle with interviews because of anxiety but if he can learn a skill now without 'pressure to perform', who knows he might be offered an opportunity to work or set up his own business? It's so unlike school when there is that panic moment at 16 about "what next" with so little thought about the huge transition involved for our children.

Whilst we slowly progress forward as my son develops.his twin sister has chosen the subjects she loves for her options. She opened the Options booklet only to be welcomed by a paragraph about the government's "suggested subjects"- thankfully the school are not enforcing them as they are purely guidelines but what choice is it when the government are dictating the subjects they recommend everyone should learn. What a sad society we would live in if everyone was the same! My eldest son,only two years ago, chose to go to college one day a week instead of two of his GCSE'S.He was student of the year and he earned an apprenticeship. This option is no longer available to my daughter- the choices are getting narrower.

Anyway,as I've said,she has chosen her favourite subjects, dance, P.E, catering and history or geography.We've learned from home education that if you like something you are likely to be more motivated and get a better result.It seems a reasonable assumption so we'll stick to our guns!

Anxiety in Aspergers - the root of the problem?

One of the advantages of keeping a record of Home education is the ability to see how things go round in cycles. What can seem to be a monumental problem at one stage suddenly fades away and before you know it it's  forgotten as the issues which seemed so huge at the time have usually  been overtaken by another seemingly insurmountable challenge!

Take our house for example. A few months ago I was bemoaning the fact that my Autistic son never had a bath. Last week I nearly fell off my chair when he asked for one!

We have changed the time he bathes you see. Bath time is now in the morning when he gets up. When he didn't put up any objection I realised it wasn't intefering with his time on the computer with his friends so there was no resistance. Life is by no means perfect, after all we still have to deal with the problem of hair washing and cleaning his teeth but, for now at least, we seem to have cracked the bathing situation and also hair cuts (which not more than a year ago was unthinkable)

The sleep situation hasn't improved much (my son is awake most of the night|) but we have been determined not to make a big thing of it. There are days when he will keep himself awake for two days then go to sleep at normal times whilst on other days he will sleep most of the day.

I was discussing the prospect with him the other day of looking into the use of Melatonin   to regulate his sleep patterns.

" Oh I know about that" he said,

"It's produced naturally in our bodies. Have you only just come across it?"

" Well no actually I've known about it a while but would rather you make your own decisions about your life. Does it cause you unhappiness or inconvenience when you are up all night?"

"By and large 'no' ," he said, so for now at least, we have decided to leave things as they are until  my son considers out of synch sleep patterns  cause him a problem!

Even going out has improved. My son is not exactly a socialite but he has recently been to Morrisons for lunch (that wouldn't have happened a year ago) and he has asked to visit his Grandparents, has been to the cinema, been shopping,even walked the dog the other day and not a panic attack in sight.

The only thing that bothered him was when  a fighter jet went over (which is what triggered panic attacks in the first place) and he ran downstairs. I explained that whilst I couldn't guarantee it,there was unlikely to be another one (they normally fly over two at a time) he picked himself up and went back upstairs.

So if you are having a difficult time (don't despair there is light at the end of the tunnel). We have been through  'baby voices' 'furniture throwing' 'door kicking' and whilst there will surely be more to come, if you listen intuitively to your child and your gut instinct then those times are likely to last far less than if you rigidly stick to what others tell you ''you must do'.

Our children are precious, much of what they do is caused by anxiety and, if taken in that context you are far more likely to be able to understand and deal with it appropriately.

Learning in the Real World

Yesterday, after one month as an apprentice car mechanic, my son replaced a bulb in my headlight. At Halfords it would have cost me £18, at our local friendly village garage about £6. This time it cost me 49p, being the cost of a bulb, charged to my son’s trade card. I explained that having a practical skill like this could in fact make him better off than earning a five figure salary but  having no practical skills.

One of the things I learned when I gave up work is that you’ve more time (an extremely valuable commodity) and if you have the practical skills , things that most people have to pay for such as car repairs, decorating and creative projects are free, other than the costs of the materials. You actually save yourself hundreds, if not thousands of pounds.

Several years ago, my husband bought a college DVD plastering course on E-bay. He sat through the night watching it over and over again and then he started on his wall. That DVD (which cost a few pounds), and my husband’s motivation have now saved us the cost of plastering two houses.

Not all is going to plan in the Frost household however (MY plan that is). My efforts to set my eldest son on the road to living in the real world are so far failing dismally on the laundry front. Having explained that now he was working in the adult world I was going to stop doing his washing and hand over the responsibility to him in order to prepare him for independent living,it doesn't seem to have sunk in.

 A week ago I suggested that his laundry pile was mounting up. One week on I am tripping over a smelly pile of underwear in his bedroom. It’s as much as I can do to bite my tongue but what I've learned is sometimes setting up your children for failure is the right thing to do. If my son  has a date and finds that all his shirts are smelly and creased then he it will be his problem not mine. I'm determined not to fall out over it but it’s hard. I keep telling myself that in the scheme of things it’s not really important. Health, happiness and friendships are and, as he is not in any danger, he will find his own way.

I have learned to have the same attitude with   my autistic son. I've found that there’s a name for it – peaceful parenting. Peaceful it certainly is, far preferable to having family disputes over every trivial thing.When you have a family full of teenagers it’s worth knowing about. I didn't realise I was doing it at first but when you have an autistic child with who normal disciplining techniques don’t work you have to try something different! Ross Greene’s book "The Explosive Child" was an eye opener and turned all professional advice on its head. No wonder my son was constantly angry at school, throwing chairs across the classroom and getting angry that he was always in trouble. He saw the world in a different way and he wasn't understood.

Four years on and things are far more peaceful. We don’t push him beyond endurance to do things he feels he can’t do, We encourage him and support him if he wants to try  to do something such as going out or visiting friends , but if he doesn't want to go then we don’t force it ‘because it would be impolite’ or someone would ‘appreciate it’. We tell it as it is and most of our friends understand that it’s not personal or rude, it’s just Aspergers.

Last night we went to Grandma’s. My Autistic son asked to come.He could have stayed behind with his big brother but he wanted to go out. Because it was his choice he was happy and chatty and enjoyed telling his grandparents what he had been doing, and when he was ready to go we went.

A rare family moment outdoors with my Autistic son

So it’s not for me as a parent to tell my children what they will learn, or what career they will follow. My job is far harder than that. I need to sit back and just watch and listen. As I see an interest I need to facilitate it. If a book or a film or an activity is rejected I am not a failure, it’s just not the right time .The right time may not materialise although it normally does. Patience is the key.

ATOS and what the professionals should really be told about Aspergers.......

Yesterday was a prime example of what it’s like living with Aspergers. My son awoke to find he had no internet connection and as the day wore on his temper got worse and worse and he became more and more frustrated. You see ,he had planned to go online with his friends and he couldn’t. Everything I could say or do to pull him out of his depression made the situation worse until his response to anything I said had descended either to a swear word in reply.or thumping loudly around the room in defiance.

I recognised the signs , it was  time to walk away. He followed me into the kitchen, took out a kitchen knife and ‘pretended’ to cut his shorts and his legs with it. Having been there before the thing then was to decide how to de escalate his anxiety. Fortunately my tustle with the bread knife was quick and without incident so he obviously didn’t intend to use it. but either of us could have been cut. Cue to hide all kitchen knives away AGAIN.

I was taking my daughter and friend to town so suggested he come too and we would go and see his gran. Fortunately he agreed and got into the car, head in hands.

 Having dropped the girls off we went to grans and he sidled into her front room without a word, before sitting down for five minutes. As conversation turned towards the internet he began to become more distressed, stood up and walked out onto the street where he sat on the pavement out of view of mum’s window. Five minutes later I followed him into the street and sat with him for twenty minutes or so and was then allowed to massage his scalp to calm him down.

He finally allowed me to pull him up and usher him back into the house where gran (bless her) had a film on standby which he started to watch, enabling me to shoot off and get my much needed shopping and pick up the girls.

To anyone reading this who doesn't have an autistic child this may sound shocking, it may sound like I’m being blasé, but I’ve decided to share our story as this really is happening in many families across the UK and things need to change. As a family we have found out the hard way that there is no emergency help – in fact there is no help at all.

 Autism is not a mental health condition so the children’s mental health service (CAMHS) don’t want to know. The trouble is there are no Autism specific support services either  so you end up with the wrong help which at it’s worst can be more damaging than if you hadn’t been in the first place

. That’s why I choose what services I want – it’s not that I don’t want to help my child I DO but I want long term support for anxiety before he ends up with mental health problems not some ‘quick fix’ from which you are discharged after six weeks. Aspergers is a life long condition   – it doesn’t just ‘go away’. If you manage it well you can lessen the impact and help adult autistics to live a much happier and stable life style.

 They may not always to be able to work – it’s not that they don’t want to. It’s just that there will be times when it all becomes overwhelming and they will just need one less thing to deal with so that they can handle their anxiety.That’s where the ATOS assessment for working capability has been going wrong. A person with Aspergers may seem to function well one day but may struggle  the next. You have to take it day by day. And as for today – well we will just have to see.It doesn’t bode well. The internet isn’t working again….

Anxiety and Autism- Making it Better

Making it better - not an easy task....

Despite being a fairly experienced mum of an ASD child ( I've had thirteen years to learn!), it didn't occur to me until quite recently just how much anxiety and sensory problems play a role in causing autistic behaviors. I sometimes wonder why I didn't notice it before but I suppose that the problems are more evident now that my son can explain how he feels.

At the age of 5 my son told his teacher that the playground 'was too noisy'. For many children no matter how much support you put into the education system it won't solve the problem of the babble of excited children or the echo of a school hall with high ceilings. Only the  other day I rang my daughter whilst she was travelling on the school bus and I could hardly hear myself speak over the noise of screeching children- for an autistic child it's a form of torture, I couldn't  put him through that,

For anyone who tries to argue that my son needs to socialise and that home education isn't the answer I would answer that  being with his peers for 6 hours a day, five days a week isn't the way for an autistic child to learn how to socialise.My son can socialise perfectly well when he's comfortable, in fact he has friends of various ages- most of them older than him., Yesterday for example his sister's friend came for a sleepover. She has been several times now and my son has barely spoken to her.Yesterday the sun was shining and I found the three of them playing a game on the trampoline - my son has taken his time to assess the situation to the point where he has wanted to take part and be included. My daughter's friend on the other hand has had the opportunity to learn a little bit about autism .

My son functions well on a one to one basis when the person he is with has something in common with him. I try not to manipulate him into 'false' situations- he is capable of making his own friends- something he has done through his gaming and a tool which I think will benefit many autistic children as they cross the line into adult hood. It enables them to interact with others and get to know them before they commit to 'meeting them', I suspect that for many it will be a way to form relationships as the 'niceties' will be over before they even meet.

What is clear to me is that if you deal with the anxiety or sensory difficulties then you will help the behaviour.Home education gives you the opportunity as a parent to observe your child and establish why he is behaving in a certain way. Often when they come home from school it is difficult to unravel what caused a meltdown or anxiety because the moment has been 'lost' amongst the constant demands of thirty children on their teacher,

I know that if my son starts rocking or puts his hands on his ears that things are building up and to get him out of that situation before an explosion. We now have an arrangement that if shops get to much for him with their bright lights and ringing tills he will just walk out and stand by the car. (Obviously that wouldn't work if he was buying something at the tills but at the moment and for the short term future he will require support in shops anyway)

There are tool kits you can make up to help with stress. For older children , having a stress ball to manipulate when they are out ,or in my son's case ,a book he can dip into when thinks get too much) can really help.

Changes in routine cause massive anxiety so a diary (an electronic one for an Aspie kid would be great). For non verbal children picture cards or PECS of where they are going can help but be aware that it pays  to have a 'wild card' for when things go wrong (which they definitely will sometimes). Recently I came across a card with a picture of Homer Simpson and the words "DOH" above his head.It worked for a child who liked the Simpsons and calmed him down when the going got tough.

For my son we have found that Indian head massage works. I bought a book and taught myself - I'm not the most patient mum but it seems to work for us. We don't talk too much if he is feeling really anxious. He often just can't hear me but he visibly relaxes as the tension subsides.

The most important thing I have learned though is to talk about what my son is going through. I reassure him that every one has anxiety, not just ASD kids and that it's normal. What isn't normal is that it is more excessive for him and that an adult he will probably have the same feelings to deal with, which will be scary but that we're building up strategies to deal with that now. (He fancies one of those massage chairs you see in electrical retailers!)

That's where home education and mainstream education differs. In mainstream he would be concentrating on exams so he can 'get a job'. We on the other hand are learning how to deal with the one biggest thing that will prevent him from getting one and keeping it because if we can get that one right then the qualifications (whether formal or otherwise) will follow.

Look and Learn - Autistic strategies

It's a while since I found myself stalking my son as he stomped across the car park. I'd taken him to the cafe with his brother for a treat - a drink and cake (he told me later he wasn't expecting it) then I found myself in the cafe- him banging his head on the table and me trying to avoid the disappointment that yet again he was 'spoiling' our outing.

I know it's not intentional and I cope better now - it's not so embarassing although I do admit to feeling on edge at what might happen next. My eldest son and I moved to a quiter table in the corner but my youngest son refused to move rocking backwards and forwards, head in hands.

I watched him from a distance, explained the problem to the waitresses and asked her to leave him alone - she was lovely.Even the people in the cafe didn't outwardly stare at what was obviously a child in distress or make sarcastic comments in my hearing.

Anyway he stood up and walked out the cafe into the rain. I left him to it but my heart pounded as I imagined what might happen. Our drinks hadn't arrived and with the benefit of older son in attendance I left him at the table whilst I walked out into the rain in my short sleeved T shirt. My son was sitting in a puddle next to the car so I went over and unlocked the car and invited him to get in. He just got up and walked further away and as I followed he got faster. He ended up behind the recycling skips in a bramble patch!

Heart in my mouth I turned tail and walked back into the cafe as I watched him walk towards the entrance to the car park.Back at the cafe my eldest son told me to ignore him (which is easier said than done) A crafty look through the window showed that he had turned round and was making his way back. He came back to the cafe and sat down, rocking backwards and forwards with head in hands. totally overwhelmed by the atmosphere. I gobbled down my tiffin, slurped half a cup of coffee and left my eldest to finish his hot chocolate and rocky road.

I told my Autistic son I was going back to the car and walked out ,not first without grabbing his cola (thank fully in a bottle) and chocolate muffin. He slowly got up and followed me to the car, climbed in and wrapped himself up in his sleeping bag , which he takes every where with him. We sat quietly and waited for his brother who was obviously frustrated and annoyed that we couldn't just enjoy our treats like 'normal' people.

My son sat in the car, cola in hand and muffin on lap and ,as his stress began to decrease I noticed that he began to nibble on the muffin and drink his coke.

"Where are we going now" he asked?

"Home son", I answered.

He was calm now and as we drove home a little voice behind me said 'sorry mummy'.

'Don't be sorry, you're not in trouble, what went wrong?'

'The cafe was noisy and I didn't know I was going' he said

'Oh well, we're learning together then , you learned how to walk away without knocking over tables and getting violent and I learned not to surprise you even though I thought I was treating you. Oh and next time ,if you walk away I won't follow you, you'll just have to come back when you are ready and I'll stay and drink my coffee. Agreed?'

'Sounds like a plan',he smiled.

Moving on - Autistic developments!

I've some-what neglected my Autistic son recently, not physically you understand, but in my  blogging. After all that's what this blog is really about. There's only so much you can  write about our activities in an interesting way when his routine happens to be the same  every day .That's what makes him safe and comfortable. I've noticed however that things have changed  over the last few weeks, very subtly but they HAVE changed.

The sun has been out and I'm sure that has made a difference, my eldest has been around more too as he's on study leave. My autistic son likes that (even that is a change from three years ago when they hated one another)

It has been some time since my son ventured out into the garden- a real shame when you have  1 1/2 acres of field to play and run around in and watch the wildlife. Recently however I've noticed him popping out to the trampoline.This has been one of the best purchases we have ever made (in fact we are now on our second it has been so well used) My son has always loved the trampoline. He started when our National Autistic society organised some sessions with a wonderful teacher called Vicky. My son was 8 or 9 and demanded on his first day to do a somersault. I explained that was a bit advanced for a first timer but under Vicky's supervision he did it anyway and has never looked back! It's a great way for him to deal with his own stress and get some exercise.

Going out has been less of an issue too. He is old enough at almost thirteen now to stay at home.That has made life much easier as I am not stressed trying to go out while he resists all attempts to leave the house. Instead I will ask if he wants to come. If he starts to waiver I will say it's up to him and that I'll sit in the car for five minutes and if he doesn't arrive I will go and assume he isn't coming. It has worked (TWICE). As I've sat on the drive I've heard a little click on the back door and noticed an apparition in ear defenders climb the back steps ready to go. In fact over the last two weeks my son has been getting 'bored' with being at home and asking what he can do. I've learned not to suggest umpteen ideas as it never works- he doesn't really want me to suggest things he is just frustrated. He gets two suggestions and if they are turned down I walk away and leave him. It works wonders. All too often in the past I ended up with a headache suggesting ideas which he just continually turned down,becoming more and more frustrated. He wanted my attention.It doesn't work now as I walk away. Instead I found him in the garden cuddling the dogs yesterday after having 'nothing to do' and he quickly finds something when left with no options.
He has also asked to come with me to Grandmas when I visit on a Friday nights and has chatted happily away ( about his 'specialist subjects' naturally) and watched the films that she lovingly tapes with him in mind. (She really has 'got him')

Even food issues have abated somewhat.O.K so Gran has ended up with a bulk buy of Quavers which he has suddenly ''gone off" (A bit like my stock pile of those horrible hot dogs you get in tins which he took  a shine to at one point). Current favourites are now Chicken chow mein (so noodles are on the menu), curries (which have always been a favourite) bagels, white chocolate milkshake (in fact anything that begins with the word chocolate),roast dinners (but not pork because it isn't beef)- so he's not going to starve!

Oh and the sleep issues seem to be improving too - sleeping at 12.00am rather than 4.00am - we are obviously on to a roll (pretty sure it's all linked to anxiety)

As for bathing and teeth cleaning - well we are still working on that although I did do a double take the other day when he disappeared and I thought he'd gone to hide when in fact he was in the bathroom having a bath just as I'd asked him too.I'm just hoping he gets the hang of teeth cleaning before they drop out- we have got as far as chewing gum so far and the occasional mouth wash. But hey ho I'm doing my best- What more can a mother do?

Into the Future - Uncharted waters for Aspergers!

One of the reasons I blog is to remind myself just how far my son has come since we began home education.

 Only months ago he was afraid to leave the house or had a meltdown if I showed signs of leaving (even to walk the dog) all because he was afraid that a high speed jet was going to crash into the house. It sounds extreme, but when you have sensitive hearing then the sound of a jet passing up the estuary (which has a tendency to make you jump out your skin) must be like Chicken Licken and the sky falling in! That went on throughout the winter months, I was stuck in the house and my only respite was when my mum came to babysit each week so I could do the weekly supermarket shop.

This morning I have popped out to do the shopping leaving him happily at home and yesterday I went to an National Autistic Society meeting and he didn't bat an eyelid.We haven't forced him to go out, we haven't laughed at his phobia of planes, instead we've looked at why the jets need to train. Funnily enough they didn't worry him when we were on Anglesey this year because RAF Vallee was nearby and he 'expected them' so it appears to be fear of the unexpected.

It was the jets which led us to introduce ear defenders which he now takes everywhere with him, we have also set up emergency arrangements for when I'm out. My son never answers the phone or the door so we have an old mobile phone on standby and he knows if that rings it can only be me. We also have a list of important numbers next to the home phone and for additional security have programmed them into the mobile so that if he's anxious he can ring me. He has only done it once to see what time I was coming home. 

All theses skills will I hope help him to live independently as an adult. I suspect he will need support but at least we will have some idea because of our observations now, of the support he needs.So many people believe that an obviously  intelligent child with Aspergers can be self sufficient. To an extent they can if the right provision is in place.Sadly all too often it is not.

I am teaching my son to be aware of his difficulties and to ask for help. I've mentioned before that we currently have issues with  food. He is eating enough but if I go out he just sits there until I come home rather than get himself something to eat.The other day I made up a packed lunch and put it on the side before going out. I told my son to help himself if he felt hungry. Sure enough when I came back he had eaten - a useful tip from another mum who has been there before me! 

So things do change, sometimes they get better, sometimes they're just different and you have to set about learning again.One thing's for sure, if your child is happy, and your family is happy then you are using the right strategies and your child is less likely to have mental health difficulties in the future.

My brother's Autistic Ability.

" Normal is just a setting on a washing machine"- Joshua Muggleton (Raising Martians- From crashlanding to leaving home)

What ME, follow the crowd?

Some time  ago my friend overheard her young daughter explaining her older brother's Autism to her school friend.
'Oh don't worry' she said 'It's just that he has an ability!'
It's great when siblings learn to accept their brother's or sister's disability as part of their normal family life- it's non threatening, occasionally annoying,can get in the way of family time but it's also part of their lives.
I've been thinking about the subject of being normal and I've come to the conclusion there isn't such a thing.Tony Attwood has said that the difference between having Autism and Aspergers is happiness. He may be right, People with low functioning autism may often be unaware of their differences and be happy in their own secure world. People with Aspergers are aware of their differences and are often not, mostly I think, as a result of expectations of other people.
I learned the other day of a young lad who has successfully gone through University having made many friends - most of whom were Assylum Seekers and Foreign students. It was as though they understood what it was like to be different because of their different cultures and beliefs and he was accepted without question!
I am reading Joshua Muggleton's book Raising Martians at the moment.I find that the best way to learn and educate myself about Aspergers is to read what Aspies themselves have to say.So far I've found the book clear and articulately written. It confirms why my son does much of what he does and has once again reiterrated how many children going through puberty can rarely get out due to anxiety  and suffer from insomnia. Once again I ask myself the question whether it's really right for us to be pushing them to go to school with it's inflexible structure and rigid time table .I've convinced that for us at least it is not. It would be my idea of hell to fight my son every morning to get him to school. Instead this morning when I came down he was working on his computer and when I said " Oh dear , couldn't you sleep?" His response was "Why Oh Dear? I didn't want to!"
With a softly softly approach I'm finding that my son is willing to do things as long as I don't MAKE HIM. Yesterday evening for example we went to the local fish and chip shop for tea. Not much for most of us but it was busy and crowded when we got there and I could see my son struggling to process everything even with his headphones on. He was barely audible when he spoke but because I know what he likes I was able to lip read. He sat and ate his tea in silence but he didn't go into meltdown mode or walk out the shop and, after the rush had died down he was able to talk again and even managed a trip to our local supermarket for an ice lolly afterwards. That's my idea of success. Worries about independence and adulthood can wait for now. Although I'm already genning up on the problems we may have to face in the future and campaigning for better support for adults we will deal with my son's specific anxieties nearer the time. Meanwhile we will work with our 'normal'.

Martian's mother xx

The times they are a Changin'

Looking back over the last twelve years I can reflect on how things have changed both in my attitude towards Autism and in my son's way of dealing with it.

Back in the year 2000 when my son and daugter were born I knew nothing about the condition. In fact I remained blissfully unaware of it for the next four years until my son started school. At first I thought his diffivulties settling in were due to him being an August baby. If I'd been told it was possible I would have held them back for a year as they missed a whole year at home which their older brother had been able to spend with me because he was old in his year, In retrospect it wouldn't have made a great deal of difference but it would have given my autistic son a year more of being happy in his own skin.

School showed him he was different, teachers described a child I didn't recognise, one who wouldn't sit with the other children, didn't like the playground because it was too noisy and got angry to the point of running away from school.

At the age of five it's difficult for a child to explain how he feels and sadly for us the school didn't tell us the truth .After meetings with educational pschycologists, home school books and constantly being cornered by teachers every night at school when I went to pick up the children from school . the stress of school started to spill over into home life and when I finally found my little boy in the kitchen pinching his arms and hitting his head I decided no more.......

Home education didn't cure everything but it did give us space and time to understand one another and I'm still learning. I clearly remember my son regressing to a 'baby voice'. It drove me mad at the time but I recognize now he was stressed and. several years on he doesn't do it .In fact I'd forgotten about the episode until someone reminded me on a forum the other day.

There was night after night of  'wanting to be dead'. It was heart breaking and I didn't know what I could do to help. We both know now not to talk but to sit quietly together whilst I give my son an Indian head massage as it relaxes him and seems to 'unlock his brain' so that he can think straight. Thank fully thoses episodes are behind us, at least for now!

Then there was my need to control him  versus his opposition to anything I requested. It caused a lot of arguments and I felt like a terrible mother. Having accepted him for whom he is and realising he doesn't need to do things just because society expects it has made a huge difference to our relationship and there are far less arguments.

With age comes maturity too. We have been through periods when my son has been unable to leave the house and has refused to let me leave. Times when he has lain down on the floor in the supermarket overwhelmed by the sound and light and unable to move. Times when he has screamed and sworn at me in the carpark because I diverted slightly from our original plan and he couldn't cope. I won't say it has always been easy but I do know that  the bumpy road of Autism  has involved climbing mountains and running down valleys.. Lifes challenges have subtley changed and what once posed a problem pales into insignificance or is absorbed into 'normal' family life as you adapt.

The message I'm trying to get across to those having a hard time of it at the moment is that  things change and it won't be like this for ever. It's a bit like a worried parent of a toddler being reassured that 'he won't be doing it at 18', although with an autistic child there are no such time scales.Children mature at different rates and children with Aspergers tend to be a few years behind their peers with many living skills.

At the moment the main challenges in our house are food, insomnia and reluctance to go out. The first is a sensory problem, the second two more to do with anxiety I think. We are however riding the waves. Our son seems happy, there is no anger or sadness and we are managing to work round it so that family is content.

In at the Deep End.

My daughter spent the evening scuba diving. Albeit at the local baths but she is practising for a 'real' dive later in the year. She was really excited and announced that given another chance she would jump at the opportunity to do it again.
I don't know where she gets her nerve from, certainly not me . I was always the child who tiptoed round the ice rink so as not to fall over whilst my daughter will launch herself straight into the middle. It's probably why she ended up in Scouts amongst the boys rather than guides where she found the activities too tame.

Her big brother spent the day at school.It's the middle of the school holidays but he's preparing for his GCSE's and wanted to finish his D.T project as they haven't had enough time at school.Fortunately, as a home educating family we have often discussed the importance of self motivation and my son was up and ready to go at 8.00am. He'd worked out that if he started early he would finish early and he was right. He was able to spend the afternoon socialising with his friends .

Living in a remote rural area public transport isn't great but we have discovered a students' pass which allows the children to travel anywhere round Cumbria for £1. Their passes are well used and have enabled my neuro-typical children to travel to home from school after after school clubs without relying heavily on me- a god send particularly when their Autistic brother felt unable to leave the house making it virtually impossible to collect them.Having an autistic member in the family certainly encourages independence!

The brighter weather has definitely made a difference to my son who took the dogs for a short walk with his brother yesterday. At twelve he likes to be supported when he goes out and I've noticed he is much more likely to try new activities if his brother and sister are there but never the less there has been an improvement. About a year ago he wouldn't set foot out the house- he was too frightened in case a jet flew over our house (low flying jets occasionally fly over the estuary and can be very noisy when they come). He wouldn't even let me go out and leave him whilst I walked the dogs. He has moved on however and whilst he doesn't often choose to come out with me,he will now happily stay at home for a couple of hours with a mobile phone on which I can contact him ( he doesn't answer the house phone when I'm out - actually come to think of it- never, unless I ask him to.) I've learned something else too from another parent whose son is further down the line from me- what I thought was agoraphobia ISN'T. If my son wants to go somewhere such as K.F.C or to pay money into the bank in order to buy a pc game on-line then he will willingly put on his shoes and coat and climb into the car without so much as a moan. If on the other hand we need to go to the dentist or on a day trip (which in my son's mind has no purpose) Then no amount of cajoling by me will persuade him to go out the house. I have learned not to feel a failure that his dad can successfully get him to do these things whilst I can't- it's a common feature amongst oppositional pre- teens.Instead I use his father's ability to get my son to go to the denstist, have a bath, do his teeth- in fact all the things that most people would regard as everyday normal routines but that parents of Autistic children know only too well can be a nightmare!

Following in footsteps of Monks!

Having a child with Autism combined with Home education opens up new opportunities.Tomorrow is Autism Awareness day and we are taking part in a balloon release to celebrate. In a way Autism takes over our lives but then perhaps it is because it IS part of our lives .In many ways we are the richer because of it.

My daughter and I are taking part in a 23 mile sponsored walk for the National Autistic society on 11th May. We have seen some beautiful sights as we have travelled round the Furness peninsula. Today we walked in the footsteps of the Cistercian Monks along the Cistercian Way Dalton in Furness,, the former Capital of Furness ,with its castle and church to Furness Priory and on to a little bridge called Bow Bridge over which the monks used to travel.to access one of the Abbeys water mills.

During our training we walk and talk and we learn so much. Today we were only walking a short section of the 33 mile walk which starts at Grange over sands through Cartmel to Ulverston, Dalton then Barrow.

On a beautiful day like today it was easy to imagine  the monks sitting on the river bank fishing  for their tea or walking over the medieval bridge to the watermill! Even though Barrow has become industrialised over the years the walk through the valley from the foot of St Mary's church in Dalton to Furness abbey was idyllic.

I often wish that I could share times like this with my Autistic son but for now that's not an option.He gets too anxious and the risks of it being too busy particularly on a busy bank holiday Monday are too great. He prefers to stay at home! I have learned to respect that and not 'push'. If I listen to how he is feeling he is much more likely to go out when we really need to besides he was recovering from his socialisation from yesterday - it takes some doing.

For now I'm enjoying my time with my daughter.Children grow up so fast and I want her to look back on the childhood she had with fondness, despite the difficulties she faced through having a disabled brother - and  a twin at that! Despite sometimes feeling guilty that she has had to take a back seat as they have been growing up, she is growing up into a mature young woman with a great deal of empathy and I'm so proud of her.

A Square Peg in a Round Hole!

I'll have this one Mum!

Aww isn't he cute!

Whenever I go out I take my camera with me. It helps me to get a better view of life.Even on grim dark days when the rain is lashing down there is the potential to see something beautiful like the heron which swooped up in front of me from the brook or the fossils on the beach.Even the snow in the crook of the tree branches can create a good picture or the swirl of the water in the stream.

It started as a way of recording our home education. Every year I have a report to prepare for the Local authority to enable them to check that I am educating my son in accordance with his 'age and ability'. Although I also have a journal, the photos often bring activities vividly to mind, like the January morning in Scotland when we crunched our way through the snow to a farming museum. It was term time and the museum was virtually empty so the lady curator had all the time in the world to talk to us about how the farm had developed in Victorian times. or the day we lay on the grass in the sunshine studying a mole as it used it's legs like shovels to tunnel itself into the soft soil.

Although there is the option to have a visit from a home education officer, for many Autistic children  the mere thought of a visit by a stranger can cause extreme anxiety and my son is no exception. The very mention of anyone at all linked to the education system would  bring back memories of his time at school . His reaction to strangers can be unpredicatble to say the least. If stressed my son can become completely mute and seem to be unable to reply. He has explained that his senses are overwhelmed and it's as though he is in a bubble. He can see peoples lips moving but is unable to hear them.

To anyone with little knowledge of autism he can seem rude and unresponsive. At other times he can become abusive and violent if confronted or pushed.We were in the dentist surgery one day and my son was waiting in the reception area. The receptionist arrived after I had been taken in to see the dentist so was unaware of my son's condition. She started to pass the time of day with him and was told in no uncertain terms not to talk to him. By the time I came out he was quite agitated as she had continued to ask questions in an attempt to ascertain if he was a patient.

Then there are the times when my son's disability is completely hidden. Times when he is comfortable in his own skin because he is accepted for who he is and he knows it. We have friends who don't push him, don't question him and don't confront him. With them he is a happy, chatty little boy. When we went to buy our puppy earlier this year he was so excited that he happily chatted with the owner, explaining he was autistic and home educated. Learning about the kennel club and reading Rusty's family tree he came back home having learned without being 'taught' because he was happy and ready to listen. That's how it is with him- if you manage the stress then the learning will come.Unfortunately the school environment, with it's noise and lack of routine was never the right place for him to learn. There was too much to overwhelm him and he needed the one to one support that home education can bring That's why it has been so successful,we are changing the environment to suit the child,not the child to suit the environment.