Why teach others when you can teach yourself?

Sometimes you blink and when you open your eyes you are in a different place from where you expected to be. That's where I am right now. I'd actually rather not be right here but I've learned lots along the way. Most importantly to be patient. 

Things won't always go in accordance with my time scale. There is a reason, I just don't know what it is yet. So I'm living in the moment and enjoying the now.

I've been in the garden splitting perennials.The daffs are in full bloom and the forget-me-nots are flowering.

I caught sight of a sheep after it had just given birth the other day,a sight that really lifts the spirits.It's a lovely time of year.

My daughter left for London early this morning to watched 'Wicked' at the London Apollo theatre and visit the Science museum.

My son went off to work- hopefully he won't be sent home today because he has a cold and might give it to someone(We rarely do ill in this house- so that went down like a ton of lead)

and my youngest is asleep on the sofa, having been up all night AGAIN.

I have sheets of music on the table as I'm singing in a music festival tonight and I have a book to read about the last Chinese Empress. so today is 'Home ed yourself day'. It will be my son's turn later at some unearthly time of night.It takes all sorts!

Anxiety in Aspergers - the root of the problem?

One of the advantages of keeping a record of Home education is the ability to see how things go round in cycles. What can seem to be a monumental problem at one stage suddenly fades away and before you know it it's  forgotten as the issues which seemed so huge at the time have usually  been overtaken by another seemingly insurmountable challenge!

Take our house for example. A few months ago I was bemoaning the fact that my Autistic son never had a bath. Last week I nearly fell off my chair when he asked for one!

We have changed the time he bathes you see. Bath time is now in the morning when he gets up. When he didn't put up any objection I realised it wasn't intefering with his time on the computer with his friends so there was no resistance. Life is by no means perfect, after all we still have to deal with the problem of hair washing and cleaning his teeth but, for now at least, we seem to have cracked the bathing situation and also hair cuts (which not more than a year ago was unthinkable)

The sleep situation hasn't improved much (my son is awake most of the night|) but we have been determined not to make a big thing of it. There are days when he will keep himself awake for two days then go to sleep at normal times whilst on other days he will sleep most of the day.

I was discussing the prospect with him the other day of looking into the use of Melatonin   to regulate his sleep patterns.

" Oh I know about that" he said,

"It's produced naturally in our bodies. Have you only just come across it?"

" Well no actually I've known about it a while but would rather you make your own decisions about your life. Does it cause you unhappiness or inconvenience when you are up all night?"

"By and large 'no' ," he said, so for now at least, we have decided to leave things as they are until  my son considers out of synch sleep patterns  cause him a problem!

Even going out has improved. My son is not exactly a socialite but he has recently been to Morrisons for lunch (that wouldn't have happened a year ago) and he has asked to visit his Grandparents, has been to the cinema, been shopping,even walked the dog the other day and not a panic attack in sight.

The only thing that bothered him was when  a fighter jet went over (which is what triggered panic attacks in the first place) and he ran downstairs. I explained that whilst I couldn't guarantee it,there was unlikely to be another one (they normally fly over two at a time) he picked himself up and went back upstairs.

So if you are having a difficult time (don't despair there is light at the end of the tunnel). We have been through  'baby voices' 'furniture throwing' 'door kicking' and whilst there will surely be more to come, if you listen intuitively to your child and your gut instinct then those times are likely to last far less than if you rigidly stick to what others tell you ''you must do'.

Our children are precious, much of what they do is caused by anxiety and, if taken in that context you are far more likely to be able to understand and deal with it appropriately.

My brother's Autistic Ability.

" Normal is just a setting on a washing machine"- Joshua Muggleton (Raising Martians- From crashlanding to leaving home)

What ME, follow the crowd?

Some time  ago my friend overheard her young daughter explaining her older brother's Autism to her school friend.
'Oh don't worry' she said 'It's just that he has an ability!'
It's great when siblings learn to accept their brother's or sister's disability as part of their normal family life- it's non threatening, occasionally annoying,can get in the way of family time but it's also part of their lives.
I've been thinking about the subject of being normal and I've come to the conclusion there isn't such a thing.Tony Attwood has said that the difference between having Autism and Aspergers is happiness. He may be right, People with low functioning autism may often be unaware of their differences and be happy in their own secure world. People with Aspergers are aware of their differences and are often not, mostly I think, as a result of expectations of other people.
I learned the other day of a young lad who has successfully gone through University having made many friends - most of whom were Assylum Seekers and Foreign students. It was as though they understood what it was like to be different because of their different cultures and beliefs and he was accepted without question!
I am reading Joshua Muggleton's book Raising Martians at the moment.I find that the best way to learn and educate myself about Aspergers is to read what Aspies themselves have to say.So far I've found the book clear and articulately written. It confirms why my son does much of what he does and has once again reiterrated how many children going through puberty can rarely get out due to anxiety  and suffer from insomnia. Once again I ask myself the question whether it's really right for us to be pushing them to go to school with it's inflexible structure and rigid time table .I've convinced that for us at least it is not. It would be my idea of hell to fight my son every morning to get him to school. Instead this morning when I came down he was working on his computer and when I said " Oh dear , couldn't you sleep?" His response was "Why Oh Dear? I didn't want to!"
With a softly softly approach I'm finding that my son is willing to do things as long as I don't MAKE HIM. Yesterday evening for example we went to the local fish and chip shop for tea. Not much for most of us but it was busy and crowded when we got there and I could see my son struggling to process everything even with his headphones on. He was barely audible when he spoke but because I know what he likes I was able to lip read. He sat and ate his tea in silence but he didn't go into meltdown mode or walk out the shop and, after the rush had died down he was able to talk again and even managed a trip to our local supermarket for an ice lolly afterwards. That's my idea of success. Worries about independence and adulthood can wait for now. Although I'm already genning up on the problems we may have to face in the future and campaigning for better support for adults we will deal with my son's specific anxieties nearer the time. Meanwhile we will work with our 'normal'.

Martian's mother xx

I did it my Way!

One man and is dog!

My son went to sleep at 11.00 pm last night and he is still sleeping now. I can't remember when he last went to bed at a fairly normal time - a few months ago I think. I find it interesting. It's not that he isn't getting any sleep it's just that he is sleeping at the wrong times.Wrong for me that is!
I read an interesting article in Asperger United yesterday.A young adult with Aspergers was bemoaning the fact that he had work at 9.00am each day and was regularly still awake at 3.30am in the morning which caused a great deal of anxiety and other mental health issues.
At our recent CAMHS meeting we were  given a sheaf of information sheets on promoting sleep- the professional freely admitted that she wasn't an expert in ASD but she thought they might help. They suggested all the normal things, wind down before bed, no screens, lavender bath, milky drink - none of them work. If my son is tired he will sleep, if he's not he won't.
I'm actually coming to the conclusion that his way isn't wrong.The reason he slept last night is that he has stayed awake for 2 days. That's how he turned it around last time so effectively he has a strategy if he really needs to get up for 9.00am. The problem is that society places expectations on us and that's what caused the stress. If my son was at school he would need to be out the house at 7.40am to get to the bus stop in time for school. I would be stressed, he would be oppositional and then we wouldn't make it. We would probably have ended up with school refusal and a visit by the school attendance officer, combined with intervention from CAMHS and every Tom, Dick or Harry, trying to 'sort out my son'.
In fact there is no right way. I can see that my son will have to work around his sleep patterns.I predict that he will handle working for himself better rather than working for others (another issue entirely) and there will be times when he has appointments which don't suit him (but then don't we all?) Shopping is likely to be online or at night- a benefit of the introduction of new technology and long opening hours, and most of his socialising will be online or at least until he has got to know people well.
It may make him appear eccentric to others but it certainly won't harm them and I'm pretty sure it will help keep him sane and free from unnecessary stress. Only time will tell if I'm right- one thing however I'm sure of is that home education has worked and is still working for him and, as I read the positive messages from all the lovely friends I've made online who are home educating their autistic children I'm convinced that for us it's the RIGHT way!

Good Night, Sleep tight!

Well after another couple of weeks of non sleeping my son seems to be pulling it round again.He went to bed at 2.30am this morning. We are learning to treat it like jet lag. His sleep patterns get out of synch and then he has to gradually turn it round an hour at a time day by day.
We refuse to let it get us down, it makes home educating together harder as I'm often asleep when he's awake but we use our moments together and I leave books around for him to read when he's not tired. Despite lack of sleep the questions still keep on coming."What's a pleb mum"."What do you think of Gay marriages" "Religious views have caused a lot of wars"- it doesn't stop my twelve year old from being inquisitive.
As I think I've said before we have already discussed , shopping at night and working from home when he's older- he may have to  consider night shifts if these sleep patterns continue but it won't be the end of the world.
An interesting question about sleep came up on one of my home educating forums recently. I was pleased to see that most of those parents whose advice I respect and who have more experience than me had adopted a similar attitude, adapting the environment to suit their child, rather than trying to force their child to sleep. In fact one parent came up with a brilliant idea. Like my son, her child was missing meals because he was asleep at mealtimes so she now made him a packed lunch which he ate about 2.00am!
The parents who were struggling were the ones who saw their child's behaviour as 'deliberate' - getting out of their responsibilities and 'mucking up family time'. They were stressed and angry and it was getting them nowhere. They felt guilty as parents because their children were on screens too much and not going out the house. One lady said her child hadn't been out since Christmas
It is horrible, you feel like a bad parent because your child is going against everything you are taught is right to be a good parent. I have been in their shoes (and not all that long ago). I too have posted for advice. What I do know is that my son IS NOT doing this on purpose. He wants to sleep.Putting pressure on him will only cause us all stress so we have to work with where were at in order to get where we hope to be.
 I learned yesterday that screens emit a blue light similar to daylight which tells the brain that it's still day therefore it makes you feel awake. It is no good ordering my son to switch off all his screens because it isn't good for him .He will just get angry and go into meltdown because I'm trying to 'control' him. However he will accept scientific facts so I have dropped that in in conversation for him to mull over. One thing I have learned is that I'm not alone.This is a very common problem, particularly with Autistic children in their teens and we need to do what we can to help them, NOT force them. What I have realised is that we haven't had many meltdowns recently, despite the blip in sleep patterns and my concerns, my son seems happy because we are not trying to turn him into something he's not. A family is there for it's members NOT it's members for the family!

Aspergers and Puberty

At the moment Autism is consuming our lives. Hence the lack of blogging for a little while. Sometimes it does that.You can be going along hunky dory then wham bam , you suddenly hit an unexpected blip! Puberty has been like that. We thought we had it sorted and then suddenly out of nowhere we had agoraphobia, anxiety, lack of eating and now inability to sleep.Actually, that's not quite true. Over the past two weeks my son has fallen asleep at 5.00am and slept until about 4.00pm every day.

On the bright side,he is sleeping on the sofa so we get a better nights sleep, also as I'm home educating  then he doesn't have to go to school in the morning. Other than that there isn't a lot of bright side. I'm stuck at home most days unable to go anywhere and when I do go out there is a battle to wake him up and go out the door so there is little incentive to do so.Offers of bowling and the zoo have both been turned down this week and my son has managed to go out once after much cajoling.
We have decided in the short term to go with the flow. I'm obviously worried about him and that this will spiral due to lack of exercise and going out but I have little faith in those that are supposed to help us in the NHS. A friend with a child with similar sleep problems has just told me that the local CAMHS have no staff. They are ringing people on the waiting list to see if they still need help as many on the list  'have got better' since they were added to the list. At what expense to their mental well being I hate to think. We really are living in the dark ages as far as mental health goes in Cumbria!

Whilst the disgusting lack of appropriate services continue I choose to get my help and advice from local parents, specialist books and the internet. They are the real experts. It's easy to become overwhelmed when several problems hit at once so you have to create a list of priorities and   we have decided to concentrate on sleep.Having made enquiries and done research we have opted to buy  a weighted blanket from sensorydirect.com to see if it helps my son sleep. Some parents swear by them. They are not cheap at over £100 however as my son generally walks round swaddled in a smelly old duvet for comfort anyway there is the chance that it just might work.My mum re-read Luke Jacksons Freaks Geeks and Aspergers syndrome and suddenly the chapter on sleep made sense. Luke was unable to sleep until 5.00am and he had school the next day. My son is the same. It's as if he gets sleepy as soon as it begins to get light.

 I've also ordered an Indian head massage book. My son has always loved having his forehead rubbed and I thought it might help. The trouble is I'm not very patient so I'm having to slow down (it feels like I'm coming to a stop sometimes!)

Any way so that's how it is in our house at the moment! If anyone has any inspiration then please feel free to leave a comment. All suggestions welcome! Meanwhile for any of you in the same boat out there I found this link with several suggestions http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2011/09/insomnia-in-aspergers-teens.html
to help your children sleep and this http://aspergersthealien.blogspot.co.uk/2010/06/insomnia-and-aspergers.html which suggests they might not. In which case I suggest our children learn as they get older to do their shopping at night and find themselves a night shift!