Critical cleaning for Autistic children!

My conversation with Google tonight went as follows, "Are you having a bath tonight?"

"Is it critical?" He asked.

"About as critical as you can get" I replied. "In emergency speak you would be on red alert!"

"Can't you smell yourself?

"No I've got a blocked nose" he answered!

"Well you're lucky" I said, "I wish I had."

We regularly have conversations about baths.I've learned that when you have an oppositional autistic teenager it pays to take a laid back approach.

The more you push the less you achieve.You have to let them think it's their idea, and boy is that hard!

It's natural to worry about what people will think of you when they see your sweaty, spotty, greasy haired teenager, oh and did I mention bad breath?

What I have learned on our autism journey however is that I'm not alone.I've also learned that I can be totally upfront with my son and he doesn't take offence.It's a bit like Temple Grandin in the film Temple Grandin when she was told by her boss that she perspired and needed anti perspirant. She accepted it as a fact rather than a criticism.

Anyway, Google had his bath and the battle was over.But I still have a long way to go before I win the war!

Letting Go!

This week has been about letting go. It's hasn't been easy to do but I want my children to be independent and successful and I think it's essential. I have to admit I'm a bit of a control freak.It's only since my younger son received his diagnosis of Aspergers that I have been able to analyse why. Essentially it's a coping mechanism to ensure that I'm not asked to do more than I can cope with. If I have a plan and do things in advance then the majority of the time things run smoothly. I absolutely hate it when  a last minute emergency (many of which could have be envisaged) is thrown in my way, as I'm already juggling so many balls that I'm likely to drop one whilst catching the unexpected 'crisis' that has been thrown at me.

Having been blessed with an oppositional child  has shown me that you can't always be in control. Whilst my other two are compliant and obliging ,he certainly is not , and I soon learned that the harder I pushed the more entrenched he became as he struggled because of inflexibility of mind to do the thing I'd requested. We had battles, he swore, even physical aggression at times. I soon learned that what I worked for my other two did not work for him. I learned instead to pick my battles and only insist on things being done where it was a question of safety or health.

Over the last three weeks our routine has changed beyond all recognition.My husband has become self employed. my eldest son has entered the world of work and my daughter has started a weekend job.

Suddenly I have found that I have gone from having a  relative lie in in the morning and  leaving the house at 7.40 to get the school bus to having to be out of the house at 7.10  each morning, even at weekends.

It has meant that my daughter has had to sort herself out in the morning and get herself out the house on time as I am already on the road taking my son to work.

I have been surprised at the way they have both buckled down and organised themselves.I have tried to resist the temptation to interfere as they will need to learn that if they don't get up on time or pack their lunches then they will miss the bus or get no lunch.

I have already introduced my son to doing his own laundry. He started as soon as he finished his GCSE's at the beginning of the summer. I couldn't believe how much easier my job became. My teenage, fashion conscious son was contributing at least half of the laundry created by a family of five. Now if he doesn't iron,he goes out creased or if he can't find an odd sock , he can't blame me. He is slowly learning!

My daughter meanwhile is, as I write , sitting on the couch writing out her time sheet for her employer. She has learned to keep track of her time and is now financially independent. She is learning business skills too- something she isn't taught at school.

It's been a busy three weeks but we are enjoying the challenge of change!

Ugly Duckling or Beautiful Swan?

According to my son (Aspergers with Oppositional Defiant disorder) I have OCD. All because I tried to interest him in some stamps which I bought at a car boot sale the other day in an effort to motivate him.

In fact they were fascinating. As I sorted them into groups I found a set on the American Presidents which links in with the jigsaw, books and films about American history which I have stealthily introduced over the last few months.There were stamps of film stars, flying pioneers, landscapes. animals and plants and several people I have never heard of. A  great conversation starter for the price of  a pound!

Apparently stamps are 'boring' and 'old fashioned'. Or at least they were until my son learned that his Grandad used to buy mint sets of stamps which may be quite valuable now. Ah then his ears pricked up!

I wonder ,with the privatisation of the Post office whether stamp collections will become a thing of the past?We will have to see.Certainly they will be antiques  I found a stamp in my British collection franked 1932 bearing the head of King George. There is so much to be gained from studying stamps- history, science , biology, geography, even art.

I have not given up. I have painstakenly put my stamps in order in my stamp album and will wait and see what happens.

It is interesting to observe how my son learns when he is ready. He has been building a Japanese building on Minecraft and, a book which he rejected several days ago about buildings from around the world suddenly came into it's own when designing an original piece of architecture. He read an extract out loud too. Not a simple children's book but a non fictional adult account of Japan with extensive specialist terms and vocabulary.

 You just never know when he will be inspired- it's just a question of continually providing new resources and watching what happens. I refuse to give up or be down hearted or to worry about the fact 'that we are not doing enough'.If my son was at school I am acutely aware that the teachers would spend most of the time 'managing' his behaviour, which would be exaggerated due to his sensory difficulties with noise and lights.

 Sensory problems are such a huge part of autism and often not recognised.If my son withdraws into himself or suffers a melt down and explodes he will not learn.He will be excluded from school, as with so many other autistic pupils or put in isolation- exactly the thing that he most craves so that he no longer has to deal with the over stimulation of senses which he has to deal with at school. The noise and smells in the dining room, the bright lights in the classroom with their continuous buzzing, the school bell and the fire alarms.It is all a terrifying prospect.Oh and course there are the teachers who don't understand autism. Those that bully, or shout or punish children for not being organised- all of which could have been avoided if knowledge and understanding of the individual child had been there.

At home my son is settled and  happy.He joins in family conversations, comments on documentaries, films and the news. In fact he has valid views on most things . He is not stupid or dumb. In fact far from it. He is far above average intelligence and often makes us take a step back with the things that he knows. He will turn into an individual with his own opinions and ideas,untainted by the views of others, having reached his own point of view through research and reasoning. I am happy to watch him grow and to nurture his individuality.He will not end up 'a failure of the system' but as a success who overcame it.

Stealth Learning

I've heard of Guerilla Learning and today I came across the term Stealth learning. It's the kind of crafty education we parents of oppositional children learn to implement when we realise that standard forms of teaching just don't work. We should have known really. When I started to home educate my Asperger son I read up on the national curriculum, printed off worksheets and bought the 'proper' text books. Teaching my son was draining! Everything I tried to do with him ended up in a pitched battle with me shouting and him swearing at me and storming out the room.
I was worried that the Education authority would find my teaching 'inadequate' and force him back into school which had the most damaging effect on his health and self esteem. My own anxiety made it worse, he felt the pressure and his anxiety rose - even less work got done.
I would wake up every morning drained and dreading the day - what would it bring? Would I end up stressed and disillusioned after battling with him for hours?
I don't know what brought me to my senses but at some point I realised it wasn't working and that it wasn't my fault- it hadn't worked at school either. I began to observe my son. All the advice said to follow his interests. That made perfect sense- it just wasn't what happened at school.
I began to see my son relax.I watched him as he picked up books to read, watched films, chose history strategy games and minecraft,read by researching new games and learned new things by reading wiki and watching You Tube. It was a Revelation.
He asked my why the sky was blue, what were stocks and shares? The recent bombings in Maine were where the Boston tea party took place,Obhama was the first black president, Thatcher the first woman prime minister. None of this was 'taught'.It was absorbed into every day living. I discovered that my twelve year old had a general knowledge that the average 12 year old in a secondary school would never have covered and he could link it across the curriculum.He couldn't understand  why the other day his sister had learned a particular subject for history when in fact in his eyes it was history, geography, maths to name but a few - all rolled into one. His pronouncement when we replied that it was how they did it at school  was that school was 'stupid'.I didn't try to correct him.
Like all systems, the Education system only works if you fit. It's inflexible and cumbersome,unable to match the needs of individuals- it's behind the times and worst of all it is directed by politicians who have never known anything else and who have come out of the system inflexible and unable to think outside of the box. Stealth education may not 'look' like education but in fact parents have to observe their children far more and get to know them far more so that they can 'facilitate' an interest with books and games and trips. If you are interested in stealth learning I found this blog the other day.It was nice to know I was not alone! http://buffalomama.wordpress.com/2013/05/06/you-might-lead-a-horse-to-water/

Watch the Birdie!

Baby magpie with broken wing

One of the advantages of living in the countryside is access to wild life and the rythmns of nature. This morning my neighbour told me that she had spotted two Gold Crests in the garden, little wren like birds with a yellow strip over their heads, we've had Dunnock nests, pheasant nests, buzzards, curlews, wrens, Fieldfares, and all the every day birds like black birds, blue tits , chaffinches and magpies at some time or other in the garden. We even have our own buzzard which sits on the dry stone wall in the field beyond our house.

Pheasants nest in the undergrowth

Dunnocks nest amongst the brambles

This week two red kites were spotted circling over the body of a still born lamb, their forked tails clearly identifiable in the air. I have also seen a Sparrow Hawk swooping down on a collared dove in the garden and my neighbour told me that it has been swooping down on her bird feeder and snatching the blue tits.

Female blackbird (brown colouring)

We've even learned to identify the distinctive whistle of the Curlews as they fly over, and the clear call of the blackbird.
We didn't set out with the intention of studying 'biology' or habitats or birds, our knowledge has grown naturally as we've seen new birds and sought to identify them.
It was lovely during the winter months to see the garden birds feeding from the bird feeder outside the window. We have been using a commercial one this year but when my son was younger we made a Fir cone feeder.Even during the wettest winter days we were able to watch the birds as they fed outside the window and watch them really close up. As with all the subjects my Autistic son studies, we do it autonomously- there is no 'bombarding him with information'. It just doesn't work with oppositional teenagers,particularly Autistic ones! We often see herons and pheasants when out and about on our travels and my son will point them out to me. It's all he's really known since he was five and we moved into our cottage in the Lake District so he doesn't even see it as education.
And how's this for a sight - hundreds of oyster catchers rising up from the beach where they were waiting by the waters edge as the tide came in! A really spectacular sight to behold and one which will remain with me for a long time to come!

Oyster catchers

Oystercatchers

Life doesn't come with a Road map

I've become aware recently how my parenting style has changed over the years. Much of the change has been due to that fact that I realized that normal parenting styles didn't work for my Autistic son- the more I tried to get him to do something the more he wouldn't do it.It wasn't just 'stubborn'.it was more than that. I would describe it as 'entrenched'. As a teacher once said to me 'it's as if he boxes himself into a corner and can't get out'

If all my children were like that I'd have realized that I was doing something wrong- but they're not.They are pliable and can be persuaded to help out round the house or do things I need them to do. With my Autistic son the tactics I use to encourage his siblings didn't work so I had to look for other solutions.

 For anyone who doesn't know me (or who doesn't believe there is anything wrong with my son) there have been comments about letting him get away with things , I was once told by a gentleman in a supermarket that 'even Autistic children can be MADE to behave'.

 At times I have cried at the judgement of others on my parenting skills. NOW I know that ,rather than controlling my son , I have to let him take the lead.It's worked too- he is far less explosive and angry when he is allowed to show us what he feels comfortable with.

This style of parenting has affected how I handle my other two children too. I used to try and 'control' them, now I hope I am more intuative towards their needs, So many parents (albeit unwittingly) are manipulating the direction in which they want their child to go. I have witnessed parents arranging 'play dates' for their children (if you can call them play dates for 12 year olds) Many I have noticed are single children or children who don't socialize well There's nothing wrong with making arrangements for your children to get together as long as it's a result of the express wish of the children. Sadly all to often it's the parents who 'want' their children to have friends and worry about lonliness. I believe that children have to make their own friends they can't be coerced into it however subtley and you should only help them if they want you to.

My eldest son and my daughter are sociable creatures and we rarely plan anything in advance although have a steady flow of telephone calls and texts arranging for them to meet with friends or go camping . This morning my daughter has set off with her friend to her friend's farm where she is going to work all day then come home and camp in the garden. My eldest meanwhile has arranged to play football on our local astro turf. I haven't arranged anything I'm just the chauffeur and 'facilitate' their plans.

My Autistic son however doesn't socialize a great deal - he doesn't enjoy small talk although he is prepared to talk for hours about the latest PC or Xbox game. He doesn't lack friends although, apart from two the rest are online and he is building up a relationship with them. I'm in no doubt that one day he will ask to visit one of them.We have already had a visit from a friend in Bedford who he has known online for over two years now!

It's the same with exams and school. I have encouraged my son, who is due to go to college next year ,to study subjects he enjoys. So far it has paid dividends as he has done well in his non compulsory (read non academic subjects). He is motivated and knows what he wants to do and that is the key. So many 16 year olds aren't ready to make that decision but are being 'encouraged' to take certain subjects to 'ensure they get a good (for that read 'well paid') job.

 Several children have gone back to school to do retakes. My son has asked that if he doesn't do well that he isn't sent back.I wouldn't dream of it - he needs to want to do it for himself not because I want him to.He can always retake a subject later if he wants too and it's relevant to what he wants to do.
It would take away so much stress for parents and pupils if they accepted that different people mature at different times. There is no rule that says you have to go to University at 18 (or indeed that you have to go at all).In fact my son wants to do motor vehicle maintenance at our local college and his grandfather told him that in his local garage the owner's son has just returned from university. Despite studying motor engineering he is now having to do the same course as my son to get the necessary practical experience.
If we let our children take the lead and try not to control them with our wishes and aspirations then our lives will be a lot less stressful. In fact I read yesterday that my new style of parenting is called 'peaceful parenting'. A few years ago I would have judged this style as being too lenient and letting the children get away with things but so far they are proving themselves to be mature and responsible individuals with a respect and tolerance for others and as long as it stays that way I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!

Interest led learning!

No one can act and learn for another.The doer must do the work himself. The task, the choice, the purpose must be his....

JOHN HOLT    Instead of Education

One of the most important lessons I've learned with an oppositional child is that you can't MAKE them learn. Learning comes from the heart and a need to know.

As I've backed off from worksheets, lesson plans and structured learning I have become what John Holt calls  a t-eacher rather than a Teacher! Rather than feed my children information which I feel they should learn like a Teacher in a school who is restricted by the National Curriculum, I have the luxury of being able to sit back to listen and observe what my children are saying and doing.

Yesterday I discussed the possibility with my son of giving him an allowance. He frantically scrambled the numbers in his head , did some mental arithmatic and decided that he would be better off than he currently is. This impromptu maths lesson took place in the car and continued throughout the day as he calculated how long it would take with his new found wealth to buy a computer for gaming.

We spent half an hour in PC World whilst he did his research and he explained about the memory in each computer and the merits of Windows over a mac for gaming and as we were leaving we spotted a rack of pc games for 97p each! We rifled through the games on offer and discovered Surgery simulator which my son had previously seen for £19.99. Needless to say we couldn't overlook such a bargain so we snapped it up and my son and his sister spent the evening operating in my front room, all the while learning the names of different parts of the human anatomy!

Meanwhile I drew up a legal contract for consideration with regard to my son's allowance and how it was to be used, and recommended that my son take independent legal advice on the content from his grandfather before he signed anything. I was surprised to receive an email back from my son complete with amended contract for consideration. My son had perused it ,struck out the wording which was too vague and could be ambiguous and which he requested be implemented. A discussion then took place between my husband and son as to the validity of a contract signed by a minor. My husband explained that in fact it was a memorandum of agreement evidencing an agreement between us and a signed copy could be produced in the event of dispute!

None of what took place that day took place at a desk,at a set 'learning time' or was premeditated. It happened naturally and continued as a result of my son's expressed interest in what we said and saw! Learning should be fun and spontaneous - not forceful and stifling!

Aspergers and agoraphobia

Making the most of a good Day

When I started to home educate I had a picture in my mind of beach combing, walking in the Autumn woods and visiting museums.
For many that is how it is. Not that long ago we were able to have some fantastic weekends away visiting, London, Manchester, Halifax , Bristol  and  the wonderful countryside on our doorstep has enabled us to sail on Coniston water, climb Gummershow and jump over limestone pavements.
However over the last year, as puberty has hit my twelve year old son who has Asperger Syndrome  I have seen a decline in my son's willingness to go out. It came to a head on Friday when a suggested trip to our local shop resulted him holding a knife to his chest in fear at the thought! It is a terrible thing to see your twelve year old child so anxious about something as little as stepping out the door but to him it is enormous!
High anxiety and fear of the unknown is common in children with Aspergers and we are not alone ,but it is hugely stifling and needs to be addressed. I have learned that I am not the person to fight this battle. As the main educator and person in authority throughout the day my sons physical violence and anger is directed at me if he perceives any criticism. Living with him is like walking on eggshells and I have learned to pick my battles. In contrast my son will immediately do what his father asks of him.
This is not because I am unable to discipline - if I had bad parenting skills then my other two children would misbehave but they don't. This is down to the condition Oppositional defiant disorder. If I chose to discipline my son in the same way as his siblings in the normal day I would spend my life fighting with my son, Something which is draining and exhausting. I have learned to pick my battles and that means when it comes to having a bath, cleaning teeth or going out on non urgent trips I wait for my husband to be present I then know that my request will be carried out (eventually) and that violence will not be directed at either my other children or myself.
 I have struggled with  the fact that he can be disrespectful, swears at me and has the capability to be violent however I have learned that normal strategies are inappropriate. These behaviours result from severe anxiety and stress and my main role is to keep them under control so that Family life can function. Educating-Oppositional-Defiant-Children and The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children have been confirmation to me that my strategies are the right ones. Despite criticism from parents who have 'perfect children' and can't understand how any child could be badly behaved unless the parents lacked the correct parenting skills I have stood my ground. I know my child. Sadly requests for help dealing with anger and violence from our local CAMHS have been to no avail. I have learned that not only is there a lack of ressources but a lack of specialist knowledge in Autism too.Some of the advice I have received would have been downright harmful had I followed it. One locum pschyiatrist criticised my decision to home educate and suggested I put my child straight back into school to learn socialisation skills. Perhaps she is unaware of the terrible bullying that some Autistic children receive at school or that children like my son spend half their lives being excluded because mainstream schools can't cope, or that suitable specialist schools are not available in this area! My son is above average intelligence and our local special school is for severely learning disabled children!
My experience of this system shows that this is not the place to go for help with my sons agraphobia, at least not for now although we have a campaign locally for better services after an eighteen year old with Aspergers comitted suicide lately, having been diagnosed too late (at 15) and having had inadequate and appropriate help.
Instead for now I will be seeking help from parents who have been through this, and adults with Aspergers to see how they handle it. They after all are the experts! I will also be reading as much information as I can to equip myself with strategies to help my son.Hopefully in time our children will get the support and expertise to which they are entitled from our NHS.

When going to the Hair dressers is Hair -raising!

Getting autistic children to have their hair cut can be a night- mare. We have been let off lightly. Over the years we have generally got away with bribery and lately with a very gentle hair dresser who lives in the village who has been able to occupy my son with her three dogs and a trampoline in the garden which have acted as some form of enticement. At eleven however it has become harder. Last time I strode through the village with my son skulking along behind in his pyjamas and slippers. He thought if he kept them on he wouldn't have to have a hair cut!

As a result I was  dreading the hair cut yesterday. My son had been mumbling about it for weeks and said he would refuse to go. I was not prepared to get into yet another argument with him and said it was his decision whether to come with me to a lovely lady in the village or whether  dad took him at the weekend him to a mens'  hairdressers which he hates!

My son's response  was that I was torturing him. Having his hair cut hurt and it was like asking him to 'cut his throat'. Certainly knows how to make  you feel like a great mum as he sits there with tears pouring down his face!

Anyway we discussed what hurt and one of the benefits of being eleven is that he could tell me it was the thinning scissors that tugged, so we talked about the trimmers which my son has seen a long time ago. We agreed if he would try them and they were OK I would buy a pair so he never again had to go to the hairdressers.

I was feeling very smug ,then ten minutes before our appointment the heavens opened and we had thunder and lightening. My son had a panic attack and couldn't go out and wouldn't let me go either!

I rang the hairdresser who is great. She offered me the trimmers so I literally paddled through the village (it was like a river in the centre two or three inches deep!) and collected them. It took ten minutes and whilst the hairstyle represented something from Edward Scissorhands my son  was fine and his hair is shorter. My husband  has ordered so trimmers today!

It seems that we may have discovered another new strategy for my son!

Why bother teaching anything when they can teach themselves?

Cooking counts as maths too!

This morning my son was explaining how you could ascertain the direction with a watch and the sun.He had been reading a library book on survival skills on the way to the supermarket. I tried to show him how to do it last year in the garden but he switched off and refused to listen because it was maths! The legacy of school is that the word 'maths' builds up an insurmountable problem in my son's mind and when at school he would hide under the desk or pull the plugs from the computers out of their sockets!
My son then went on to explain that the compass is split up into angles the main pointers being 90 degrees,180 degrees,270 degrees and 360 degrees with the angles also being marked every 45 degrees. He has talked about angles before when teaching himself to skateboard so I've experienced  his way of learning maths and it never fails to surprise me that in many ways formal maths lessons are redundant. I jumped at the unexpected opportunity to explain that the angles inside a triangle added up to 180 and that the angles inside a square added up to to 360 degrees. All this he took it between a burger and a pepsi , as he tucked into his wicked zinger meal at KFC!
Maths is a subjects which at the very least would have caused his face to glaze over or at worst would have caused a meltdown if I'd broached it but because the subject interested him he had fathomed the details for himself.
Once  in the car I glanced over to find him reading about map reading skills and contour lines and once again I found that my growing faith in autonomous learning was being reinforced. The book he is reading is written for the Royal Marines and designed for adults but the content appeals to him so he's reading it!
Every day conversations are an opportunity to learn too. Only this morning my son turned to me as he was watching t.v. One of the characters in an American tv show referred to a 'test monkey'. "Oh he means a guinea pig, mum", said my son showing me he'd taken in the new idiom he had learned yesterday. Words are fascinating and we are always discussing their meaning.Seeing a lad on a mono cycle one day  resulted in a discussion  of what 'mono' meant and a competition to see how many words we could find beginning with mono. We did the same with the word 'sub' when my son asked the meaning of  subversive.
If you are teaching an oppositional child you have to 'find' the right way.It may not be conventional but your child has the benefit of one to one and you have the luxury of as much time as you need and the flexibilty to change tack if your method isn't working! Don't give up!

Rigidity of Mind and how to overcome it!

Following interests can overcome inflexible attitudes!

One of the biggest disabilities for autistic children is overcoming an unexpected situation.It's as though their brains come across a brick wall which they are unable to climb over or get round  and they become 'stuck' unable to move forwards.
Only this morning my son woke up very excited as the long awaited Xbox version of Minecraft was being launched. I could tell something was wrong as soon as he walked in the room, his face was grumpy, he wouldn't speak and I knew I was in for a long day.
When he finally told me that the game wasn't available yet, I suggested that we go ,as planned, to the shop to buy his Microsoft points so as soon as the game came out he could buy it. I received a tirade of abuse because he wasn't going to 'waste' his money until he knew how many points he needed.
Now I have two other lovely, polite well mannered children and it's really hard to stand there being sworn at but I've learned over the years that non reaction is the best way to deal with his oppositional behaviour. Despite the inappropriate swear words, they are his way of expressing anger and frustration and a better way of dealing with it than physical aggression so instead I held my tongue and will deduct a pound from his pocket money next week as agreed with him several months ago. Taking money away from my son hasn't stopped him swearing  but it is the most effective punishment as he loves buying things.Furthermore he accepts it as a consequence to swearing!
I asked him in which country the game was being launched and he decided that it might be America  so  I suggested they were several hours behind us. He immediately relaxed again and went to view the update.When he came back he'd discovered  he needed 1600 points.
I again broached the subject of going out to buy them and was yet again arraigned for 'not listening'. Instead of a reply I received a lecture on 'not listening' and still didn't know whether I was going shopping or not! After much prodding on my part and a lot of shouting on his part we finally understood each other. He knew how many points he needed and I was taking him to buy them!
We drove to Asda, bought the points and, as I'd pre-prepared him for a stop at the store so I could buy coffee that was al-right too! As I went into the store I asked him to consider if he wanted to stop at Macdonalds for an ice cream.No reply to that, but he did ask if I would buy him a drink. I came out the store with a drink and a chocolate biscuit. He took the drink and said " thank you". He put the biscuit on the back seat. He hadn't asked for that!
Had he been several years younger we'd have prepared a picture schedule to show him where we were going. He's too old for that now but I do have to stick rigidly to where I've said we are going. Macdonalds wasn't in the plan so although most kids would have jumped at the chance it was outside my son's comfort zone today. Whilst I can't deviate from the plan I've learned that  at least  it enables me to go out. That gives me more freedom than I had when he refused to go anywhere . I've also discovered that  a bi-product  of time spent in the car is  productive reading of  library books or listening to audio tapes something which my oppositional son would refuse to do if asked!
Rigidity of mind can be frustrating but with creative thinking there are things you can do to minimise the impact on your family.